Honey or vinegar

A colleague today raised an interesting question which caused me to start thinking pretty deeply.  Here’s the problem:  How do we get someone to fix something that they’re satisfied with, but we’re not?  If they have control of the situation, and they’re satisfied with it, it’ll take a lot of concerted effort to get them to change.

This can be especially true in a church context, because there are significant power relationships at work, and deep emotions.  Both of these are even more exaggerated for church musicians.

So let’s start off with that well-worn phrase, “it’s easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar.”  It has a core of truth, which is that people are more likely to cooperate when you’re creating a cooperative relationship rather than confronting them.

But it’s more than that  If someone is satisfied with their situation, then it’s difficult to give them enough “sweetness” to want to change.  So here’s where a deeper truth enters in:

People want help, not barriers.

Let’s say that you’re dissatisfied with the music in your church, but aren’t in a direct position to change it.  That’s a situation that many readers can relate to.

What does the pastor, or the director of music, need help with?

• Picking music that people don’t complain about
• Fitting music to the liturgy (but there are many different views about what this means!)
• Finding talented and spiritual musicians to play and sing
• Complying with guidance of church hierarchy, liturgical committees, and so on
• Doing all of this, regularly, week after week, year after year, in addition to all the other tasks

These are not insignificant issues!  So the leaders need help, and here’s the trick.  Help them to address the needs they know they have.

If you try to convince them they have NEW needs, you’re just adding more work – that’s not helping.  What you want to do is to reduce their works by addressing their needs.

So first, you must find out what they think their needs are.  You might have your own opinions, but they’re probably a bit different than the way they understand the situation.  The fact that you’re dissatisfied probably means you don’t fully understand their needs and the way they think.  Almost certainly there’s a disconnect of some sort.  So ask.  Listen.  And learn without judging.

Then, only then, you can start to figure out how you can help them address those needs.  And if you can truly help them, without creating new problems, they’re much more likely to accept your help.

Sure, it’s work.  Yes, it can be painful.  It doesn’t always work.

Humans are like that.

But many times it does work, and can lead to glorious, creative solutions.