Stealing reputation

I was listening to a wonderful podcast this afternoon, where Katherine Barron and Jennifer Willits were talking about the book, “Choosing Beauty.”  But I don’t want to talk about the book.  Instead, they brought up an important concept:

When you bad-mouth or gossip about someone, what you’re doing is stealing.  Stealing their reputation.

I’m fascinated by the thought, because it brings together a number of vague observations I’ve had about discussions that I’ve heard recently.  This is especially bad in online forums, because:

• The discussion is amongst people who haven’t necessarily formed deep relationships.  When they hide behind the mask of anonymity or being a disembodied commenter, it’s easier to say things that you’d never say to someone in person.
• The conversation is open to everyone on the planet, and will be visible (thanks to Google and other archives) until the end of time.

As a result, much more damage can be done to someone’s reputation than in normal social situations.  And you may never know what damage took place, because you never actually met the target of your ill-considered words.

Here’s the most personal example for me.  A few years ago, I wrote a book.  Not a fantastic book, mind you, but I put my pride and dignity on the line to put it out for the world to see.  Friends and family were very supportive, and if someone was less than impressed, they would politely indicate that it wasn’t their cup of tea.

Someone put a negative review on Amazon.com.  I know I shouldn’t take it personally, but it’s really hard not to.  Some guy out there calls my baby ugly and worthless, and I have no way of knowing who it is.  And I can’t change the review unless I try to entirely remove the book from Amazon.  I’m not sure I can even do that, because despite being the publisher, I’m not the only printer of the book.  So this one negative review has been an emotional millstone around my neck for several years now.

Has it damaged my reputation?  I’m not sure.  I haven’t sold a copy of the book on Amazon for a couple of years, but there’s no way of knowing whether that particular review is a factor.

So here’s the bottom line, which is especially true in online discussions of any kind:

What you say about others matters.  You can damage others directly or indirectly.  Even if you don’t know the impact, it may be significant and long lasting.  When it’s on the internet, you have to assume that it will last FOREVER, which makes the potential damage so much deeper.

Here’s some very helpful guidelines I’ve used whenever I post anything online:

• Would I say this if my mother was listening?
• Would I say it if the target of the conversation was right there watching me?
• Do I know for absolute certain that I’m right?  (And no, stating “in my opinion…” doesn’t totally let me off the hook!)
• Can this damage anyone’s reputation, even indirectly?
• Is it constructive and stated in a loving and supportive way?

I appreciate Katherine and Jennifer helping to clarify this for me today!